Believe in Miracles

I love you

I'm going through pictures and video's tonight. I am smiling because I am seeing your sweet face, I am crying because it breaks my heart, I am laughing because you make me laugh, and I am heartbroken because I can't reach out and touch you or kiss your sweet face.

It's tough. I'm so used to just doing it, getting up, doing what needs to be done but there is a part of me that wonders about the brokenness that is down inside. I want to wake up tomorrow morning and it will be 3 years ago when you were still here. I want to wake up to what it was, you smiling at me under the bipap mask you wore, flipping you over, and turning on your video's to watch them for the day. When does that ever go away and more importantly when do I get to feel whole again and do I really ever want to feel "whole" again because wouldn't that mean I am forgetting (as if I could ever do that!).

I must think of you a hundred times a day, who knows maybe a million times a day. Even when I am not consciencely thinking of you there are still images and thoughts of you in my mind. I wish I could go back, I wish I could wake up, I wish it would all go back to the way it was but I know it can't. I want to be angry but I can't because I love you to much.

I miss you. I am thankful for you and those beautiful pictures that help me to feel even if it is painful sometimes to see them.

You are beautiful, you are the most beautiful part of me. I might have to learn to live without your physical presence (and trust me...each day is a learning experience), but I am thankful to not have to learn to live without you in my heart and my soul. Love is like that...love is just like you...my beautiful Lily.

Good ol' days.....

So I went and stayed with your Noni and Pappy Friday night as I usually do every other weekend. It is always nice to go and your Noni and I can sit and talk about you to our hearts content because we both know just exactly what to say to each other and how to say it. We both know how much we miss you, how much we love you, and how much you are still a part of our lives even though time has moved on.

Before I went to Noni and Pappy's I drove down our old road, something I do occasionally but it always is hard. So I drove by and things still look the same and for a moment I could almost imagine I was pulling into the driveway coming home after running to the grocery store, or running an errand and was coming home to you.

I remember sometimes how "stir crazy' I could get and looked forward to when Noni and Pappy came over and I could get out for a few minutes while they sat with you. I would run and do my stuff and the best part of getting out of the house was actually getting back in the house to your smile. I know that sounds a little fake....but really and honestly the best part of leaving was getting to come back home to you.

When I pulled into the driveway and into the back of the house it looked a little different but I could still see images of us sitting out back when it was warm, swinging on the swing or just relaxing with you in the wagon with your DVD going and me watching you plus watching the squirrels jumping from tree to tree. Then we would pack our stuff up and head back in and find something else to do. Being with you will always be the best part of my life, the one part I wish I could go back to, there is nothing that compares to getting to be with you each and everday of my life so I am thankful that I was able to spend those years with you. My life has been different since you have been gone, not always in a bad way, but I have and will always be lonely without you. You literally fulfilled not only as a mother but as a human and I loved more than anything just being with you. You were never boring.....you were and will always be simply you, one of the two things (with your brother being the other part of the two) I love more than anything else in this life.

I love you Lily and Nathan. You can always and forever count on that.

Love

True love, I love you, I love this, OMG I love those shoes, I love taking a bath, I love going to bed...so many uses for the word love.

I know one thing that I love absolutely and with such certainty that I would never use the word in a flip way. I love you.

Sometimes when I walk out into the sunshine I raise my face to the warmth and just smile when I think about you and I whisper into the sky "I love you" knowing that you are getting that message.

I love thinking that you might be running around with those beautiful toes in the grass, or maybe even the sand. I love knowing that you might be climbing that big ol' tree, or hopping from one big ol' rock to another big ol' rock over a beautful stream laughing with one of your friends. I love thinking that you might be riding a bike with your hands outstretched and your hair just flowing behind you going down that hill. I love thinking you might be twirling around and around and around in a beautiful dress with flowers in your hair.

There is nothing I love more than thinking about you because when I am thinking of you than you are here with me.

I just simply love you.

Blogging....

I doubt that I have learned the fine art of blogging perfectly, it could be that I have just not checked out enough blogs or taken various "blog" classes (is there such a thing?), and I have probably never really learned what to write in a blog. Any of the blogs I have happened to run across typically have useful or not so useful information written about a subject that interests people. For me I guess my life can be wrapped up into just a few things that interest me which probably don't interest very many other people who might happen to run across my blog.

I don't visit interesting places...well I did get to go to Savannah, Georgia a few years ago at a bad time in my life but it was beautiful and interesting. Then we did go to Treasure Island, Florida a couple of years ago too which was beautiful, romantic and fun. Otherwise I typically work, and head home so who wants to read about that? Certainly it is to boring to write about!

I could blog about politics but then I might offend someone with my views or actually blog about things that I honestly don't know about and come off sounding ignorant. I could also blog about food (which I love by the way) but I guess I would have to either be a great cook or would have to actually go to restaurants that are much more fancy than Skyline Chili (which I could probably devote an entire blog to the differences between Skyline Chili, Dixie Chili, and Gold Star Chili which would only be for my benefit), Frisches, Longhorns (which is really good by the way), or those other places where it is 2 for $20.00 menu and how much can I actually write about that?

I could blog about the craziness of the health care system and some of the ways that I think it could be fixed or how we could save a bundle of money with my idea's but then I would be venturing into the political venue again and I just don't have the energy for that either.

I could blog about my job and how I love what I do mixed in with all the stresses that go along with the job too but I don't think anyone wants to read about how 90% of the time I love my job or read my rants about that 10% of the time I don't love my job.

So what does that leave me with blogging about in case someone is interested? What it leaves me with is simply how much I miss and love my Lily-Bee and my Natie-Bug and you know what...that makes the most interesting blogs of all. Other people may not want to read about them but some people will and do and I have so many funny and heartwarming stories about 2 children who might now have been here on earth long enough but they certainly made a huge difference in my life and the lives of those who knew and loved them the most.

I could wrap this whole blog up in a few words.

I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to see you again someday.

Ahhhh, those are the words that make a GREAT blog.

Happy Birthday to one special SMA Angel....

Kalair! I just had to take a moment to write something specifically for you. Kalair if it wasn't for you (and your mom of course) I don't know if I would have been able to spend the years that I spent with Lily. You were our inspiration, you were my "ah-ha" moment that I might have been able to do all of this and I was blessed enough to get to spend time with you.

There are many moments that I could write about that meant the most to me but I will narrow it down to one. One of the times you came and spent time at our house I remember sitting on the floor with you reading a book while you "clicked" those lights we had draped all over  you off and on. You were so proud you were doing it yourself. "Click" on. "Click" off. "Click" on. "Click" off. Over and over and over again. You were having such a fun time just listening to me read you a book that Lily would have nothing to do with and playing with those lights.

Another time was during your same visit, I think your mom had gone in to take a shower or do something like that and I was flitting in between where Lily was and you were laying. I remember sitting there watching you laying there on your bipap just looking at me with such an expression of contentment. You were always a beautiful girl and will always be a beautiful girl and I was one of the most blessed to have gotten to spend so much time with you and your mother.

Happy Birthday sweet Kalair.....give my Lily and Nathan kisses and I hope you had a party to beat all parties for your birthday today. I love you and I miss you. I miss hearing all the "new" things about you but I am sure you have lots of new things to share with me when I get to Heaven too. Tonight I am sending you hugs and kisses.....Happy Birthday sweet girl. Noni and Pappy love you too and always keep a picture of you around the house and at the shop.

G'nite Lily Bee and Natie Bug! I hope you had a fantastic time playing with the birthday girl...Miss Kalair! I love you both......

Separate Lives....

It seems as if much of my life can be summed up in stages...or separate lives that make up the "whole" if that makes any sense.

From my young years I can compartmentalize my life into various sections where it seems as if I am starting at the beginning of a different life, one that is not always better or worse, just different in different ways. Of course all of them make me into the person that I am today but sometimes it seems as if I can look back over my life and it is sometimes in sections where I emerge as a different person in a different life. Still me, still much of the same personality but just different.

In the past 13 years I have been pregnant, married, become a mom, lost a child, became pregnant again, become a mother again, gotten divorced (thankfully!), became engaged, lost a child...and now am living another different life.

13 years is a short span of time (or at least I feel it is) for that many changes! Sometimes when I sit and think about it all it makes my head spin to see all different ways my life has changed in such a short amount of time.

My life honestly really began when Nathan was born. The excitement, the nervousness, the whole learning to be a mother. Sleepless nights, learning to breastfeed, being scared to do something wrong yet loving in a way that seems unreal. The problem was about the time I was maybe, and I repeat maybe, beginning to get the hang of having a baby he was gone. Almost 4 months is not enough time with someone you love more than life. His personality was just beginning to form. What a sweet boy he was, so content even when I was a nervous wreck. Becoming a mother was one of the happiest I have ever been in my life. Then before I knew it he was gone way to soon.

I learned to grieve in that next stage of life. Grieving is such a hard process, the moments of utter helplessness, the times where even the tears and sobbing don't help the pain. The times when the happy memories can bring not only intense joy but intense pain that makes you wish you could just bury yourself under the covers of your bed and not come out for days. Learning how to just make it through a day without him.

Two years later I was pregnant again and starting another part of my life. My beautiful daughter was born and brought so much joy into my life that I never thought I would feel again. Her personality could not have been more different than Nathan's, Lily was demanding as a baby and I had to learn a whole new role of motherhood. Where Nathan seemed to be always be content, Lily was only content when things were going her way. Then came the SMA diagnosis and so we learned to live a while different life where there were machines, wheelchair strollers, therapists coming to our house, trying to keep our house as germ free as we can, and learning how to live with SMA in a way that we were not given a chance to with Nathan. There were flights to Newark New Jersey to see doctors, surgeries, EMS coming to our house when Lily had episodes, another surgery, fights with insurance companies, and the list goes on and on.

Then somewhere in the mist of all of that (and the first year of Lily's life!) my now ex-husband walks out on us (thankfully...although it was pure drama at the time).

After almost 7 wonderful years with my absolutely beautiful and  patient daughter (yes, she became such a patient little girl...most of the time) she is suddenly gone leaving such a huge void in my life. Huge void and having to learn to live life in another whole different way. Grieving again for someone, my daughter, whose life was to short because 7 years with Lily will never be enough.

By the way Steve came along too, I fell in love, he asked me to marry him one night while Lily was sleeping in the other room, and that became another beautiful part of "story" as well.

Sometimes I wonder how I have learned to live life again. Of course learning to live life is an ongoing process and one that I stumble through, like watching a baby learn how to walk. I've had happy times, sad times, angry times, depressed times, but through it all I am learning how to live life in this new and still strange stage of my life. Learning how to honor the memory of my 2 beautiful children helps me to keep them alive in my life. I want them both to be proud of me, I want them both to look down from Heaven and be able to say, "Hey, that is my Mommy and I love her!"

Each change has been like learning to live in a new culture...scary, exciting, nerve wracking, and different but it has made me stronger and thankful for things that I probably would have taken for granted. I still love my life.....and thankful and proud that it is me who gets to live it. I will always miss my babies, never a day goes by that I don't think of Lily or Nathan a million times but I can still carry them into my "new culture" with me and that brings me peace.

My life is crazy, sometimes sad, often hectic, and busy but it is my life and I am finally learning how to live it. Each "separate life" has become part of the whole of my life that is making me...well me!

***To my Lily-Bee and Natie-Bug I love you both soooooo much and miss you both soooo much!******

Missing you......

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.....

Not a moment goes by that you are not somewhere in my jumbled thoughts or wishing you were right here by me. Moment by moment, second by second you are always right there in thoughts wondering what you are doing right now. Are you twirling around in a beautiful dress, giggling and laughing with other kids whose parents are missing them? Are you playing dress up, dressed as a princess holding an ice cream cone while it is dripping down your beautiful fingers? Or could you be climbing a tree, running a race, or just walking in the grass letting the softness tickle your toes?

I am always wondering, always missing you. Missing your sweet smile, those beautiful eyes that said so much without you having to utter a word. Missing the sound of your throaty laugh, your beautiful voice. Missing everything about you...everything.

It seems like I spend more time missing you than anything else....you are the love of my life Lily and while I spend all of my time missing you I spend an equal time loving you too. Thankfully love never ends and every single bit of my love is for you.

I love you sweet girl and am deeply thankful to have spent all of the time I did with you. Hugs and kisses from my heart to yours......

Mommy

I'm Back.....

January 29, 2011

It has been a long time since I have "blogged", in fact it has been way to long. Time, life, and the whole thing just got away from me not to mention sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to really share anymore. Maybe that is true, who knows if anyone really follows this journal anymore but tonight I felt like writing and hopefully in the future I will feel more like writing again.

School has ended, real life with a real job began. It's been a whole different ballgame in learning to live life without Lily. When school ended I was hired at University of Louisville in a doctors office. All the schooling paid off, I enjoy my job (for the most part!) and stay really busy with it. I enjoy everyone I work with, I enjoy staying busy. Things have become a "new normal" for me. Steve and I have our ups and downs....and that is a whole different post. No, we are not married yet and probably many people have gotten engaged and married long before we will I am guessing. It's just not in the cards for us right now, to many things have gotten in the way I guess. I know it would be the "right thing to do" in many others eyes but in my eyes it just isn't the time and I guess I am really not ready to "settle down" in that way right now. The joy of it all went out when Lily went to Heaven and getting married has become something we might do off in the distance. I need to be 100% sure I guess and he needs to be 100% sure. To many other things have come into our life...again another post I am sure.

Everyone is doing well, my parents are fantastic as always. My niece is getting big...turned 4 in November and life just keeps moving on.

I am mostly happy, I stay fairly happy other than a few things that life throws at you sometimes. I sure do miss my little girl and everything about her. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her a million times a day it seems or how I wish I was at our house together again doing all of our little things. I would give anything to be watching Oswald and Rolie Polie Olie again because I have no doubt that even though she will be turning 10 this year she would still be watching her favorite shows! We would still be going to the mall, she would still hate the zoo and the aquarium, and I would still be laughing at all the funny things she does in a day. Heck, I still laugh about everything she did! She will always bring a smile to my face that is for sure!

Lets see....nothing else really to say at the moment but I will keep on typing and blogging for me if for no one else! Maybe I can get some "new" old pictures up on the blog as well....I have hundreds that have never been shared!

July 4, 2009

Happy 4th of July everyone! I am so thankful to live in this country where I am free! Thank you to all the Veteran's and Service men and women who have and who are defending this wonderful country! I pray for your safety and especially for homecoming.

School started on Monday, so far so good. I have two one hour breaks which makes it nice because I can sit and do homework on the first one and have lunch on the second one. It is way better than not having a break like last quarter!

That is really all I've got...LOL...I have nothing going on and nothing planned for the 4th so I'm just sitting around working on homework and relaxing. I miss my baby girl, we always made sure to do something fun on holiday's and even though it is raining we might have been able to sneak out and set off a few fireworks at some point.

I love you Lily-Bee!
I love you Natie-Bug!

Mommy

June 26, 2009

Nothing exceptional to post.....of course you guys already knew that!

School starts back up on Monday and after the last quarter kicking my butt I am certainly thankful to only have 4 classes this next quarter. Last quarter I went for 7 classes, everyone tried to tell me it was to much and honestly it was. I had no breaks, tons of homework, and some pretty tough classes! Over all I am sooooo proud of myself (and it is all because of the inspiration and love of my precious Lily and Natie!) because after all the hard work I almost made the President's list again. I received 6 A's and 1 B. I was really hoping for another A so that I could make the President's list again this time (I did the quarter before with straight A's) but hey, making the Dean's List is nothing to sneeze about! I'm happy to have done so well when I really did have a brutal schedule. This next quarter will hopefully be much less stressful.

Steve and I got back from vacation early Monday morning (like 2 am) from Florida. I do have pictures and I'll post a few of them...they aren't as fun as Lily Bee pictures but they are the best I've got at the moment! I might even sneak in a few Lily pics that haven't been posted before.....like I said just for fun.

Anyway, Florida was HOT but we had so much fun! This is the first vacation that we've had that hasn't been stressful. Last year we went to Savannah but of course it was under pretty tough circumstances since Lily had just flown to Heaven and while I missed my little girl, as I always and will forever do, I admit I had a really fun, relaxing time. We ended up in Treasure Island in a really nice hotel, spent plenty of time at the beach (believe me....my back and other various places shows the signs of it...but overall I'm tan) but we did so many other fun things too. It was nice to just get away together and have fun. We even started making plans for our...ahem...future wedding! No...we have not set a date...yet....but we started looking at some venues that we like so we are going to start working on dates. It will be sometime next year (I hope!) and hopefully my favorite place on the "short list" will have some good available dates for us. HOPEFULLY! Then we will work on picking the date and start all of that. I'm ready...I think. Back to Florida.....really there isn't anything more to say about it other than it was wonderful! I'm not happy to be back to reality AT ALL.

Plenty of time was spent with me thinking about Lily on vacation and all the good times we both have had. I missed her the most when I was out on the beach listening to the waves. I could close my eyes and almost imagine we were in Panama City Beach and she was upstairs watching movies with Noni and Pappy....or laying there beside me where I could hear Rolie Polie Olie and Oswald playing while she enjoyed the time under the umbrella. I missed her very much....she is and will always be one of the most beautiful parts of my life. ALWAYS.

I never want or mean to leave out my sweet baby boy Nathan either. I know I ramble on about Lily and my love for her but my love for Nathan is no less. With Nathan's birthday approaching I feel sometimes he gets left behind because of all of the amazing memories I have made with Lily. With Nathan I was deprived of those millions of memories because his time on earth was so short but he is just as much a part of the sweetest and most beautiful times of my life as well. I miss all the things I didn't get to do with Nathan so much but the memories I have of Nathan as just as sweet and special. He would have most certainly been the snuggle boy that Lily was not. He loved me with all of his heart, trusted me with all of his heart, and was certainly my first true and absolute love. My time with Nathan was far to brief but he will always be one of the biggest parts of my life. I wished I could have spent more time with him. Nathan had such a sweet disposition, much sweeter (dare I say it?) than Lily. He was simply content to just be near me at all time, hardly ever crying and when he did cry it was for something serious. He was beautiful and would have grown up to be a beautiful and handsome boy I'm quite sure. I wonder what he would be like because so much of his personality had yet to be shown but the part I did get to know was showing how sweet, patient, and kind he would have been. A true momma's boy he would have been I'm sure. My sweet and precious Natie....oh how I love him! Oh how I miss him!

So blessed am I to have 2 loves of my life, 2 angels in Heaven, and 2 of the most beautiful children ever to have been placed on this earth.

I am going to leave you with something Mom and I were talking about tonight. We were sharing stories about Lily....I imagine that when Lily flew to Heaven ushered be beautiful Angels...she took her first steps realizing that she could finally walk, then run and she ran straight into the arms of Jesus first, he wrapped his arms around her and welcomed her home where she would feel no more pain, where she could finally walk, take deep breaths, play, climb trees, and do all the things her body would not allow her to do on earth. After Jesus released her the next person she ran to was her big brother Nathan whom she had heard about her whole life (and maybe somehow met...who knows!) and he lead her by the hand to everyone else who was there waiting on her. She met her great grandfathers, was reunited with her great grandmother, all of her friends like Kalair, Skylar, Taleah, and so many others.......and they all showed her how to do so many things that she couldn't do on this earth like eat ice-cream by huge mouthfuls, climb trees just as quick as she could, feel the grass beneath her feet, and never grow tired. I would imagine that if she picked her mansion it was a large tea-pot just like Rolie-Polie-Olie lived in...haha....but I would also imagine that Nathan was thrilled to have his sister there with him, the little sister he watched over when she was sick, the little sister who didn't have a chance to run, skip, and jump. Brother and sister sharing stories of their mommy, Noni, and Pappy and how much they are loved. What a beautiful picture that is......and they are waiting on me.

Okay...I've rambled :). Shocker isn't it?

To all who have read this journal in the past, and all who continue to read it, and to everyone who happens to pop in I want to thank you for keeping up with our journey. I thank you each for your kind words of encouragement, the thoughts and prayers, and all the times you've read this journal. It means so much to know that Lily's legacy continues on (and Nathans too!). As long as people read I will continue and I'm sure that much of this will always continue to be about Lily and Nathan. There are so many wonderful memories and stories to continue to share and I will continue to share them as long as anyone wants to read them. This all keeps Lily alive in my life and I do love to share her with everyone. I know I ramble....I know I can have some pretty darn depressing times....and there are plenty of happy times too. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for continuing this journey in my daughters beautiful life and legacy. She is my hero...Nathan is my hero...both of my children are my biggest hero's. Such beautiful lives.....

I love you Nathan!
I love you Lily!

Mommy