I'm going through pictures and video's tonight. I am smiling because I am seeing your sweet face, I am crying because it breaks my heart, I am laughing because you make me laugh, and I am heartbroken because I can't reach out and touch you or kiss your sweet face.
It's tough. I'm so used to just doing it, getting up, doing what needs to be done but there is a part of me that wonders about the brokenness that is down inside. I want to wake up tomorrow morning and it will be 3 years ago when you were still here. I want to wake up to what it was, you smiling at me under the bipap mask you wore, flipping you over, and turning on your video's to watch them for the day. When does that ever go away and more importantly when do I get to feel whole again and do I really ever want to feel "whole" again because wouldn't that mean I am forgetting (as if I could ever do that!).
I must think of you a hundred times a day, who knows maybe a million times a day. Even when I am not consciencely thinking of you there are still images and thoughts of you in my mind. I wish I could go back, I wish I could wake up, I wish it would all go back to the way it was but I know it can't. I want to be angry but I can't because I love you to much.
I miss you. I am thankful for you and those beautiful pictures that help me to feel even if it is painful sometimes to see them.
You are beautiful, you are the most beautiful part of me. I might have to learn to live without your physical presence (and trust me...each day is a learning experience), but I am thankful to not have to learn to live without you in my heart and my soul. Love is like that...love is just like you...my beautiful Lily.
Amy - I hadn't checked your blog in the longest time. I had assumed that you were done with it, which made me sad, but for some reason today, I noticed that I still had a link for you. I clicked on it and realized that you had been updating! I was so happy. Your love for Nathan and Lily is still so touching, but I'm so happy to see that you are growing from each stage of your life and that you are happy - for the most part. That's the best any of us can hope for, right? Life is not about being happy all the time, but if you can say that you're happy for the most part, that's great.
Posted by: Edlyn | July 18, 2011 at 01:24 PM
I just realized that you haven't posted since March. I hope you post again soon!
Posted by: Edlyn | July 18, 2011 at 01:25 PM