Believe in Miracles

June 12, 2009

I should be sleeping but here I am....awake and unable to sleep.

I can't seem to let this blog/journal go. I was going to but it seems I can't. Even if I barely type any words into the blog other than occasionally I will keep the blog going anyway. It is one of the links that I have to my beautiful daughter and while I don't have fresh stories to write about her, I can still write all the things I want to about her and keep her memory alive and thriving. Maybe my words will reach someone who happens to come across and read her blog, maybe what I write will touch someone who is going through the same thing or just a hard time, or maybe it will just keep me sane and writing something, anything about Lily.

Today (albeit very early morning) it has been a year and one month without her. I can remember exactly how I felt a year ago today. I was still in that grief fog that surrounds someone after losing a loved one, and believe me the loss of Lily was certainly losing a loved one. It was the loss of my heart and soul. I was still in shock, I was still heavy grief, and I was still in the state of "I can't believe this". I'm past some of those feelings but over all I'm still in that place of grief and I don't think I will ever truly be out of that place.

I still have dark days, and while I am always the optimist I still have plenty of dark days when I almost feel as if I just can't go on.

So much has changed in a year, I've been busy...purposefully busy, because if I stop and just let myself not be busy that flood of feelings, the missing her just overtakes and overwhelms me. I was looking at her pictures tonight and just wishing I could have her back. That is selfish of course but the thought of not being able to see her, touch her, kiss her, snuggle with her is sometimes so overwhelming I can only think of what I want which is to see her.

I talk about Lily a lot throughout the day, in fact her name is mentioned so many times throughout the day I wonder what some of my friends think. Sometimes I just feel like saying her name over and over and over again because I don't want anyone to not know what a special and amazing girl she was and will always be. In fact, I hate using the word "was" because in my heart she will always BE amazing, she will always be a part of me in the present, not in the past. She will never be my past but always my future because thankfully I can always take her with me wherever I go and whatever I do. Talking about her keeps her here with me, talking about her and her personality, what she is like, what she likes to be doing means that someone else gets to "know" her.

I love coming back home once a week to be with my parents. The love to talk about Lily, especially my mom. Steve does a good job but sometimes he doesn't know what to say, he tries to change the subject because he is worried I'll cry (which I probably will) so sometimes I just don't say much but when I come back to mom and dad's I know I can talk about Lily to my hearts content because they miss her as much as I miss her. I understand why Steve tries to change the subject...what in the world do you say to someone you love that has lost the most precious "thing" in the world to them? What could he possibly say to make me feel better when I need to just cry and talk about Lily. My mom understands and listens, and I listen to her.

My sweet and precious Lily.....there is no way to express how much I miss her because there are simply not enough words or even the right words to express my love for her and all the things I miss. I will always miss her and I will always miss my son. I can't move on...I can't get over it...all I can do is continue through life knowing that a piece of my heart is always and forever missing.

Today I was so happy....I am back on the President's list for my grades for the second time. I worked really hard this past quarter and am so proud of myself for making such good grades. Straight A's! I showed up here at my parents house and got something silly (a scam) in the mail...it was funny because supposedly I won 125,000 dollars and there was a check, which looked authentic, for 3,ooo dollars right there. I knew it was to good to be true but for a moment I was so excited...President's list and lots of money! I said to my mom, "This could be the happiest day of my life" then I stopped myself because I knew that wasn't true. All the money in the world couldn't replace the 2 happiest days of my life....the birth of Nathan and the birth of Lily. Those were truly the happiest days of my whole life. Nothing else can compare but I felt so horrible for saying something like that about something so truly selfish as money and A's. Nothing could replace the joy I felt when I knew I was pregnant with my children and their birth, nothing ever will.

I've rambled but it has felt good. I miss my kids soooo much. I wish I could see them both right now in Heaven. I know they are the two most beautiful angels there could ever be.

I love you Lily-Bee!
I love you Natie-Bug!

Thank you all for the lovely birthday wishes for Lily...I am quite sure she had a wonderful time celebrating in Heaven.

May 30, 2009

Today...ahhhhhh today.

Today, 8 years ago, I held one of the most precious angels in my arms after carrying her around for 9 months. Today, 8 years ago, this little 8 pound 11 ounce girl stole my heart. Today, 8 years ago, I was the happiest woman on the face of the earth when I was finally greeted by this little, screaming dark-haired tiny baby who at that moment...actually from the moment I found out I was pregnant....became my world. My life changed in an instant and I am so thankful that it did.

My beautiful and precious Lillian Amanda Barnett was the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on and I feel so deeply in love with her. In her eyes you could almost see her soul....8 years ago I did not know she had SMA but it would not have mattered even if I did because I would have spent as many years as I had to protecting my little girl and being thankful.

I am the most blessed of all mothers, while my heartaches are sometimes many I can still honestly say that I have been blessed. To be the mother of 2 angels is amazing and humbling. Somehow in God's infinate wisdom he knew I would make a good mother to Lily and Nathan and I am thankful to have been given that opportunity to be their mother.

I am not crying today but instead I am rejoicing, rejoicing in all of the memories that I have been blessed with, rejoicing in the fact that Lily no longer has SMA, that she can RUN, WALK, TALK, JUMP, SPIN, DANCE, and do all of the things that SMA would not let her do.

Lily's first steps...her first steps were toward the thrown in Heaven....she was greeted by our Savior and he wrapped his arms around her. She is well, she is whole, and she no longer suffers from a disease that held her captive in her own body. I was blessed to have been given the amount of time I had with her to show her love, to love her with everything in me and I am thankful that she went from my loving arms into the loving arms of Jesus.

I do miss her, I miss her more than anyone can even imagine but I am comforted by the knowing of where she is and if I close my eyes and concentrate hard enough I can see her with her hair flowing behind her, in a white dress, running.....butterflies are chasing her and she is laughing,it sounds like bells......she is dancing with her feet barely touching the ground. She is surrounded by a group of girls and boys who just like her were captive to their bodies on this earth but are no longer bound by SMA and they have all joined in to celebrate Lily's earth birthday. She has family members there as well watching her and laughing with her and there is so much happiness. I am happy for you Lily...I miss you but I am happy for you and I will celebrate your life.

Happy Birthday my Lily-Bee! You are my life, my heart, and my soul.........Love your mommy.

April 26, 2009

I know it has been a while and just to give everyone a heads up....after Lily's birthday on May 30th I will be discontinuing the blog. This has always been specifically Lily's blog and without her to update anyone on it just doesn't make sense to update it much anymore. I could use it to update about me but there just isn't that much to update about with me!  LOL....I'll start some sort of email update thing if anyone wants to hear all the exciting things going on with me but without Lily there just isn't much to write about anymore.

I will need the journal for the next few weeks though because these are the tough weeks leading up to one whole year without Lily. I can't believe it has already been almost a year. I'm still here and I'm still standing but it's been tough. I never thought I would be able to make it through a day without Lily much less a year and honestly while I've done it, I haven't wanted to do it and it's been a struggle many many days.

Easter was so hard, so very hard. It was the last major holiday before Lily passed away and it just seemed so hard to be without her. Actually it was hard to be without her and it was very emotional, very sad, and I was glad when the whole day was over with.

It's weird, each and everyday is hard but when the holiday's hit it kicks into overdrive and becomes even harder than normal.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as May the 12th gets closer and closer......I will need them!

My precious Lily-Bee.....you are still my life, my heart, my soul, my everything and you will always be. You are never far from my thoughts and you are never far from me. I talk about you all the time, I love just saying your name, and I share with anyone who will listen what a beautiful and wonderful girl you always will be. Noni and I talk about you all the time which keeps you always with us. Noni and Pappy miss you so much sweet girl but I miss you each and every second of every day....my heart is always yours and your brothers, never far and never forgotten! I know you are having fun in Heaven with all your friends but don't forget about me sweetie and send me some sweet messages ;). I love you my baby girl!!!!!

January 29, 2009

Hello everyone.....I know it's been a while...again....but I am really keeping busy other than this crazy snow storm that has made it impossible to get out of the house for a few days now. Thankfully we do have electric and are keeping warm, my parents and Steve's parents were without power for a while but they are back up and running now so no worries.

I'm doing okay...staying busy with school which is really good for me because staying busy is the key here.

Speaking of school, I made the Dean's list for last quarter! I was really excited and of course am going to do my best to do it again for this next quarter and the next and the next! The one I have (the certificate) is for Lily-Bee and Natie-bug who will always be my biggest inspirations.

I know this isn't much but hopefully enough to let you all know I'm still out here, I wish I could write more but without Lily there just doens't seem to be anything to really write about.

Speaking of Lily.....I miss her soooooo much and love her sooooo much. This past week since I've been trapped inside because of the stupid ice and snow it has left me with nothing to do and it has given me extra time to miss Lily even extra...I wish I was snowed in with her, we always had such a great time being housebound together. What a beautiful and perfect little girl she is and will always be, I love you Lily so much and miss you so much it hurts! You are my amazing and beautiful little girl and I am proud of you in so many ways and am so proud to be your mommy forever and ever!

I know this is choppy....sorry about that.

I love you Lily!

I love you Nathan!

January 1, 2009

Happy New Year to everyone!

Who would have believed that celebrating the New Year would be much more emotional than Christmas would have been? It certainly was and still is.....

New Year's Eve was always mine and Lily's holiday honestly, there were no presents sitting there that she can't open, there was no stress over what to get her that she would honestly enjoy......NYE was ALWAYS a holiday that we both could participate in and enjoy. We both would be up late, she would dress up in feather boa's and crowns, or party hats and beads, and we would watch movies, dance, and celebrate another year together many times with Donna and Zachary but this year there is none of that and I'm crossing into 2009 (now obviously it is 2009) without the one person in this world I love with all of my heart and soul.....this is the first year without Lily......and I miss her so much.

I hope this year will be a good one, I hope I can stay busy and make good grades and find a job. I hope for many things this year and I wish this to be a good year not only for myself but for my loved ones and friends...most of all I want this year to be all about remembering the joy of being Lily's mom and while she isn't here I want to make her proud of me this year, I want to find joy and happiness and take her with me in my heart and soul.....

I love you Lily-Bee! Happy New Year in Heaven sweet girl......

I love you Natie-bug! I wish I had a chance to spend a New Year with you.....

December 27, 2008

A belated Merry Christmas!

I made it through Christmas....it was tough but it doesn't take a special holiday or day in order for me to miss Lily, that is simply each and everyday that I miss her so we all made it through our first Christmas without her. I simply tried to imagine what Christmas must be like in Heaven and how exciting it would be for her to be able to open gifts, eat amazing food, and spend time with family that is there and friends all around her. I can only imagine the joy on her face! We all certainly missed her here but she is never very far from my thoughts and of course she is always on my mind and I'm always thinking about her.

We went to Travis and Dena's for Christmas Eve and while I knew it would be tough it helped that they were in a new house this year. Regan of course made it all fun and she had a blast opening her presents, she is growing up so fast and she can put a smile on my face no matter what. She entertained us all that is for sure! Drew was there too and I can't believe how tall is has gotten! So grown up anymore and he always reminds me of Lily too...they are only a few weeks apart in age and he spent so much time when they were younger together so Drew will always have a place in my heart, he is such a good boy.

Christmas morning I got up fairly early and headed to the cemetery to put flowers on Lily and Nathan's graves and spend some time just thinking about them and how much I love and miss them both. I headed over to Noni and Pappy's to say Merry Christmas to them as well then headed back home so we could get ready for Christmas here. We had Steve's mom and dad over as well as his daughter Alexis and of course Stephen. It was a great night and we had alot of fun. I got a beautiful diamond necklace in the shape of a star (that is what I wanted!) and it has a special meaning...we always called Lily "Star Baby" and so the necklace means "Star Baby" to me so that meant alot and of course it is beautiful! I got other things and they were all nice.

Tomorrow I am heading back to Shelbyville to visit with Megan's baby Lauren...yes my cousin Megan had a baby...she is adorable!

I don't go back to school until January 5th so I get to enjoy another week of vacation before the grind starts all over again.

Happy New Year everyone!

December 16, 2008

It has really been a while since I have updated! I guess there really isn't always that much to update to be honest but I'll give it a shot.

Thanksgiving was okay and with Christmas coming up and realizing this will be the first Christmas without Lily in 7 years makes it a rough time honestly but I'm making it. I will miss her no more than I do everyday but the Holiday's just seem to bring it out even more I guess. I wish she was here with me but she is in a much better place and while that does bring me peace it doesn't erase the missing her with everything in me.

School is over for the quarter and I don't go back until January 5th so I'll be spending time with my parents and working at the shop while I'm off just to keep busy. I did pretty good, up until finals I was maintaining an A average in all of my classes so I ended with 4 A's and 2 B's so I'm satisified with that. I am looking forward to next quarter and can hardly believe I've already finished the first one!

Other than that really that is all that is going on, without Lily to talk about there really doesn't seem to be much going on which shows what an amazing little girl I have!

Happy Holiday's everyone and I'll try and keep updating as long as ya'll keep reading!

November 21, 2008

Well...let me start this entry by saying first of all thank you all for your continued support, prayers, and just keeping up with us even after Lily has gone onto Heaven. I know sometimes reading these entries are just tough and manyof them come from a depressed and lost state of mind yet you all continue to read and keep up with us through it all. Most of the time I feel lost without Lily and this is really the only place that I can express it other than my private journal (which is even harder to read I'm sure)

Having said that, Happy Holiday's everyone. I know that Thanksgiving is approching fast and while this year is going to be a really hard year I really do have much to be thankful for in my life. First of all I've been blessed with 2 of the most amazing children that anyone could ever have. Not only did they make my life pure happiness while they are here the memories that I have of them both will continue to make me smile through my tears in the years to come. Thank GOD for all of those memories I have,the pictures, the video's, everything I am thankful to have them all. I am blessed with a wonderful family who continue to support me and give me strength through the grief, without them I don't don't know what I would do, especially my mom and dad who have been not only rocks through all of this but also the shoulders I need to lean on when I don't feel like I can go on anymore. Steve....one of my amazing blessings. Steve was not only there through it all with Lily, learning about her, and he did an amazing job getting to know her while we were dating but with Lily's loss he has been supportive, and given me another shoulder to cry on, talk with and just someone who loves me for me and all that I am. He has stood beside me through all the grief...which has been intense for a long time now...and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I have great friends who despite the fact that I am not much of a "talker" at this time they continue to stand beside me as well even when I don't think I deserve it. There are so many people I could name who have been supportive and there for me through it all.....thank you all.

Lily is missed, every single day, ever single way. There is rarely a day that goes by that I don't cry, I miss her so much and love her even more than I miss her. I never thought I would be in this position, I really didn't. No matter how much you "know" it could happen there just isn't anyway to prepare yourself for the reality of it all. Today at the shop I was going through some video's to put on my hard drive and I cried, cried and cried some more. Her voice, her face, her eyes, everything about her I miss with all of me. There is nothing or nobody who could ever take her place and I would gladly give everything up just to be with her again. I love her and miss her with my whole being, a part of me is forever missing and just seeing her in those video's, so alive and full of life...wow...what an amazing little girl she is and will always be.

I think I will end the journal entry for right now, I can't keep from crying......thank you all for contining to read and keep up....I'll write again.

November 14, 2008

Things are going...and going around here I guess. I stay busy with school and it seems like I am always doing something which is good because it is all keeping me busy.

School is going really well, I am averaging an "A" in all my classes and getting close to the close of the first semester soon and taking finals. I've studied hard and done everything to the best of my ability and am proud that I've made it this far! This has been a big task for me to undertake and I'm proud to say that I have done it and all of it is in honor of both of my beautiful children. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving Break and then Christmas break before starting the next semester in January.

What I am not looking forward to are the holiday's....I'll be glad to get them all over and done with because this year is just going to be sad. Christmas won't be Christmas without Lily to have and while she never really could totally enjoy Christmas for me it was a big gift just to have her here with me on Christmas and this year will be just sad and depressing for me. I'll miss decorating OUR house with OUR stuff and of course I will miss spending that time with Lily, buying her stuff, and just being thankful that she is here for another year...this year I don't have that to be thankful for and it just makes me sad, this whole season is making me sad.

Everyday I just seem to miss her more, nothing just seems right and while I am "happy" with other aspects of my life that part that means the most to me, the one where Lily is always there is missing and I can't do anything about it, that part of my life is missing the most important thing....my daughter. I wish I could do something about it, I wish I could just feel her little hands, kiss her feet, kiss her cheek, brush her hair, lay down with her...ANYTHING! I would give anything to be with her, I really would. Life has just marched on but for me part of my life is back there prior to May 12th and I want more than anything to just go back.

Just so sad, life just isn't fair at all. I want my girl and baby boy here with me.

I love you Lily!

I love you Nathan!

November 12, 2008

Today is the day......

It was 10 long years ago today that I last held my little baby boy and let his soul fly to heaven taking my heart with him. I have missed him each and every day, missed the boy I would have loved watching him grow up to be and my heart is forever broken because of the loss of my son.

6 months ago today was the last time I held my daughter....and again she took my heart with her when she left. I miss Lily.

I can't be poetic today, I am simply sad. Sad that SMA has robbed me of so much, sad that I can't watch either one of my children grow up, sad that I can't play dolls or baseball with either one of them and sad that I am left here without them. I know they are both in a much better place, I know they are both in heaven together but I miss them here on earth. I just miss them and it isn't fair, nothing is fair.

I love you and miss you Nathan!

I love you and miss you Lily!